Tag Archives: knowing my son

Forgiving Myself !

There are some people who influence you so much more than anybody who knows you.

Even though I knew it already , Siva was recently diagnosed with LD and I had wanted to know if there is some thing more I could do for him.

I would like to tell you about this sweet girl and her superb mother . I came across their site ,  Childs  play a few months ago when I was searching for LD groups. They are from half way around the other side of world but that didn’t make any difference.

The mother and three sweet children showed me other dimensions of learning and more important being happy .I have followed so many of their expeditions and I know she speaks from her heart.

After realising what it is like for my son I have changed a lot . Now a days I work on Alphabets with my  daughter. When I patiently tell her how to write them more efficiently, I see the confused face of my son when he was of her age.

When I guide her through the sleeping and standing lines and when I see the confidence and self respect on her face , I see my son’s imploring face telling me ” this is all what I can do Mother “. But then, I was too preoccupied with straightening  him out I couldn’t see through.

When my daughter’s  class teacher tells me  she  is one of the smartest child in her class, I see the disapproving face of my son’s teacher and I  cringe remembering the words I accidentally  happened to over hear from her on the phone .

I couldn’t help thinking what would be the images in my Son’s mind when he think about alphabets or spellings or his life then . I wondered if he will be haunted with those images all through his life.

You would not believe me if I tell you I have not met in person a single parent who has a LD child.What I understand is people here take it so negatively they will not speak out even if their kid is suffering or getting resource help. It is considered something that is to be ashamed of.

So I thought of asking Tiffani who has  gone a long way with her children. I knew it was a bit personal question but again I desperately wanted to know what it would be like.

Yesterday she let me know something her daughter told her , some thing that only a child can tell  and some thing that every mother who work with an exceptional child would be eager to know.

These are the wise words of that young girl, now thirteen year old , doing home schooling with her mother , brother and sister.

“I don’t think you ever get over something like that, but you get past it. You get through it. And you can accept it. I’ve accepted that I’m not as stupid as I thought I was. In most ways I’m smarter. And some things are still really hard, but it’s not because I’m stupid. I just think differently. And that’s OK.”I asked her specifically what she’d say to you and your worries, and she said:

“Someday he’ll see what was happening then, and compare it with what is happening now, and he’ll appreciate how much you changed just for him.”

Naturalist , your answer is for all of us who work relentlessly with our exceptional kids and who are proud of them. And we will all cling to your words because you have proved with your life that all the effort we are taking is worth it.

I have always wondered why nobody tells you exactly how to bring up a child. And why it is only trial and error.

Tiffani told me some thing more important.

It’s not for him to forgive you, it’s for you to find forgiveness from yourself. it’s no use looking backwards. Do I wish I could go back and have a do over with Naturalist? yes, all the time. But all I have is today, and tomorrow, and all the tomorrows going forward. I can use what I know now to make them the best for my kids and myself. I can be present in her life today, and give her all the love, support, encouragement, and positive reinforcement that I didn’t give her for so many years before. It’s all we can do, and it is enough.

Yes , I realise . I should be able to forgive myself and move on. And may be after so many years my son will tell me how his life had changed.