My resolution for the year 2011 is to find peace with myself !
I have never been good at meditation . However hard I try I just keep on talking to myself . Some times I find me in long debates that even I could not figure out where I began or what I was doing .
I am reading ‘ Eat , pray and love ‘ . And I am doing it in a very low pace . Because I am taking the time to think and churn what I read . Now that I have reached India in the book the topic is Yoga and the text is intense.
Yesterday I came across this section where the author tells about her problems to meditate because she doesn’t know how to quiet her turbulent mind . She says : . ‘ It is the fear of our ego that it will be discarded that keeps us away from meditating ‘.
I think it is absolutely true . I am keeping away from meditating or even praying because I am afraid my inner voice will pop out and tell me “What a mess you have made of yourself ? You are so wrong , You need to change yourself to fit in this world. “
And I am afraid if I listen to it would I be able to withstand the change . I know it is my ego talking . But I don’t know what I should do with it. And this year my resolution is to calm and console my heart aka my ego reassuring it that it will be given the respect it requires and a calm place , ‘my mind ‘ to rest.
It is time to stop running away from myself and start listening to my inner voice and guide myself to peace.
Last two years my resolution was to find out who I am or if there is anybody inside this woman who is running all round the clock to feed and clothe the family. To find the strength and happiness in standing alone as an individual more than a wife and a mother . And at the same time tend to my responsibilities to my family and life with the same passion . This blog is a result of that effort along with many other changes .
I have always been the ‘loving’ person rather than the one being ‘ loved ‘ . I can live without eating or breathing . But can’t live with out loving the people around me . And that is my Achilles Heal ! I am afraid if other people’s actions will make me hate them . To avoid this I would bend and stretch and even knot myself and end up not being myself at all .
Usually I keep away from spirituality because the intense penance and force absorb me in and affect my health . This year I am taking the spiritual way wherever it would lead me . I don’t know how to do this . I intend to add on as I progress . I am notorious for my inconsistency .
Don’t take this as a post . But I am posting it anyway .
And this happened to be my 20 th book in the 20 books challenge