I was too tired to fight with Amma when she invited me to visit her house . It was easier to give in.
It has been over 9 years . I was in the third term of my pregnancy when my Granma passed away . If I wanted , I could have gone then to see her for the last time . But I didn’t. More than the complications that may arise I wasn’t ready to accept the loss. I thought she will live forever in my mind if I didn’t see her lifeless face . I didn’t do any rituals for the fear of losing her .
More than just the first grand daughter, I was born as a relief to her untimely widowhood. I have heard my Aunts saying that she started to laugh again only after my birth . She was so close to three of us ( my brother and sister ) .
Even after she left us I didn’t want to lose her love . So I made an imaginary box and kept her safe in my mind . Never said Good bye . I saw her in my dreams . Very much alive. Only that her hands were ice cold to touch .
They were not nightmares. A grand mother talking to her grand daughter . But seeing dead people in dreams is considered ominous .
I asked Amma about the rituals that has to be done even though I could not quiet understand how people will be relieved from bondage just by chanting Mantras . There should be more to it.
So Yesterday when she asked me to go with her I braced up. May be because of the tiredness that follows three- four days of continuous journey I was in a susceptible mood. Shallow and bare .
In the house the old rooms had been altered . But I could see through it just as in olden days. I sat on my Granma’s bed where three of us had cuddled together as kids listening to her stories and the lightening and thunder . I could feel her beside me . I sat on the parapet where she has mouth fed us umpteen times in the evenings while we played .
And I broke down . I cried for her. Something I didn’t dare to do before . I realised that the lovely woman who had been there would never come back . She would never again answer our calls. She would never come hurrying to welcome us . There wouldn’t be any bear hugs and farewell kisses . She has disappeared . Just like that .
The hot tears that streamed down my cheeks cooled my heart . It was easy to hide them in the darkness .
On our way back home I could feel the calmness in my heart . It dawned on me that eventually I have bid good bye to her in my own way. And in some way to the young girl who had spend her holidays there . I realised the rituals are not for the ones who have left . They are very much for the ones left behind. To say goodbye to the dear ones who have gone , to accept and acknowledge the loss and to move on with life .
My childhood and teens have passed away and they have made me what I am now. I can’t preserve them forever . I can’t carry them any more. After years of effort I have relented and let them pass through me . And I feel light as a feather . Ready to take in the world .