Forgiving Myself !

There are some people who influence you so much more than anybody who knows you.

Even though I knew it already , Siva was recently diagnosed with LD and I had wanted to know if there is some thing more I could do for him.

I would like to tell you about this sweet girl and her superb mother . I came across their site ,  Childs  play a few months ago when I was searching for LD groups. They are from half way around the other side of world but that didn’t make any difference.

The mother and three sweet children showed me other dimensions of learning and more important being happy .I have followed so many of their expeditions and I know she speaks from her heart.

After realising what it is like for my son I have changed a lot . Now a days I work on Alphabets with my  daughter. When I patiently tell her how to write them more efficiently, I see the confused face of my son when he was of her age.

When I guide her through the sleeping and standing lines and when I see the confidence and self respect on her face , I see my son’s imploring face telling me ” this is all what I can do Mother “. But then, I was too preoccupied with straightening  him out I couldn’t see through.

When my daughter’s  class teacher tells me  she  is one of the smartest child in her class, I see the disapproving face of my son’s teacher and I  cringe remembering the words I accidentally  happened to over hear from her on the phone .

I couldn’t help thinking what would be the images in my Son’s mind when he think about alphabets or spellings or his life then . I wondered if he will be haunted with those images all through his life.

You would not believe me if I tell you I have not met in person a single parent who has a LD child.What I understand is people here take it so negatively they will not speak out even if their kid is suffering or getting resource help. It is considered something that is to be ashamed of.

So I thought of asking Tiffani who has  gone a long way with her children. I knew it was a bit personal question but again I desperately wanted to know what it would be like.

Yesterday she let me know something her daughter told her , some thing that only a child can tell  and some thing that every mother who work with an exceptional child would be eager to know.

These are the wise words of that young girl, now thirteen year old , doing home schooling with her mother , brother and sister.

“I don’t think you ever get over something like that, but you get past it. You get through it. And you can accept it. I’ve accepted that I’m not as stupid as I thought I was. In most ways I’m smarter. And some things are still really hard, but it’s not because I’m stupid. I just think differently. And that’s OK.”I asked her specifically what she’d say to you and your worries, and she said:

“Someday he’ll see what was happening then, and compare it with what is happening now, and he’ll appreciate how much you changed just for him.”

Naturalist , your answer is for all of us who work relentlessly with our exceptional kids and who are proud of them. And we will all cling to your words because you have proved with your life that all the effort we are taking is worth it.

I have always wondered why nobody tells you exactly how to bring up a child. And why it is only trial and error.

Tiffani told me some thing more important.

It’s not for him to forgive you, it’s for you to find forgiveness from yourself. it’s no use looking backwards. Do I wish I could go back and have a do over with Naturalist? yes, all the time. But all I have is today, and tomorrow, and all the tomorrows going forward. I can use what I know now to make them the best for my kids and myself. I can be present in her life today, and give her all the love, support, encouragement, and positive reinforcement that I didn’t give her for so many years before. It’s all we can do, and it is enough.

Yes , I realise . I should be able to forgive myself and move on. And may be after so many years my son will tell me how his life had changed.

5 responses to “Forgiving Myself !

  1. Hi,
    I just found your blog. I gather you live in India. I was very moved when I read your past post ‘walking with my son’. I hope awareness is spreading on LD and children issues back in India. I can imagine how hard it can be for a child with issues that grown-ups and the rest of the world do not understand.

    There are homeschool groups as well support network in India available. I belong to a couple of homeschool and alternate education support groups in India which consists of parents of gifted of various types children. If you need more info, do not hesitate to write to me.

    Good luck with everything. Your children sound so amazing!

  2. Thank you so much Subadra. It is very nice to hear that from somebody who has been in the field for so long.

    Siva really loves his school. The resource dept. is doing a great work there. His teachers are also very friendly and considerate. He has got friends and more than anything he comes back home smiling. ( before I informed the school it was always long faces )

    I have full respect ( / envy ) to those who dare to teach their children . But I am so forgetful in nature. I may forget in between what I was doing. Wont do any good for my kids .

    What I do is follow their interests and supply them with enough materials needed for further referance. And Siva’s interests are so vast and diverse.

    • Hi There,
      I actually did not clarify. I realize you may not need it, but thought I should anyway clarify. You do not need to be a homeschooler to belong to the groups I mentioned. I did not mean for you to homeschool your child. Sorry it came out that way. I am so glad to hear that the line of communication is very helpful with the teachers and your boy. That is the most important thing in my opinion. I am so happy to hear that he comes home smiling from school. That is so worth everything.
      I will drop by time to time. I am preparing to leave for India in a day…for a 6 week trip.
      See you around!

  3. xoxoxo, lots of hugs from here in the US.

    I will tell you, the biggest thing you have done for your son is stopped feeling ashamed of him. That is a big gift, and not many people can give it like you have. He is lucky to have you 🙂

    • The biggest irony is I never thought he is dumb.

      I was very sure he is brilliant and I always thought he was deliberately messing up every thing or not trying to do.

      It took me some time to accept that kids will never do something like that on purpose and will always try to do their best.

      And realising it I started to learn so many other things which I never bothered to notice ! 😀

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