Monthly Archives: June 2009

Relaxed

My idea of relaxing is to be at home.  Calm and quite………….

To have a deep  bath……To Breathe in the the aroma of oil and shampoo……To feel light and cool as a cloud..

To enjoy both bright sunny days and dark rainy days ………….To have a sip of ice cold juice or hot coffee .

To tend to my garden….To read a book…To watch a movie …..To do a drawing or a painting……..

To have no time schedules……..To enjoy solitude………To have sweet company……….

To be free and careless as if there is no other worry in this world.

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SEEING OFF MY DREAMS…..

I had gone to see off my brother. It has always been difficult for me to see off people. So I stay as neutral as possible, bye passing my brain to some other thoughts. Apart from that   everything was alright. Same as usual.

Slowly I began to feel heaviness in my heart , my mouth was dry. I wondered. What is happening? My eyes wandered among the passengers.  Who is it?

Ah, Then I see. Over there ! in front of the door,  Oh! Not again!All my dreams were standing in a queue waiting to get in.  Leaning forward with their heavy back packs.

“You are all going? ”  My eyes asked them. But they were busy , and happy , high fiving among themselves. eager to leave.

Please don’t go . If you all go I will be left here like an empty shell. My world would not be the same anymore.’ I wanted to say. But  couldn’t figure out how humans converse.

The train was about to go. I heard the bell.World appeared like a whirlwind.

My parents, brother and his friends were  somewhat surprised to see me  so overwhelmed by grief . My brother came forward and hugged me. “Don’t worry, I will be back soon.”

‘But ………. but ………..my dreams. They are in the train!’ I wanted to say. I peeked over his shoulders.

The train started to move. My brother waved at us  and every body waved back. I stood there dumb as if in another world. My vision got blurred with the tears that welled up in my eyes. I tried to blink them back.

When I opened my eyes the train had gained speed. And  all my dreams were  in it , happily sightseeing!

Who am I saying good bye to….

my little brother who has now become a young man ready to explore his life.

my family which was so closely knit with  love.

my teens which passed without me ever knowing.

my childhood.

I wondered.

The emptiness and silence that immediately follows a departure filled the space . There were downcast faces every where. People had started to walk back. I was sobbing. My parents tried to console me.

Then across the platform I saw somebody smiling at me. It was  the Real world with its prospects of clear vision and bright sunshine. We walked back together. “Is it always  this bright ?” I asked innocently .  I had never noticed.

But down the lane inside my car, All my dreams were  waiting.

“Didn’t  you all go? I saw all of you in the train. ” I said.

“No , we decided to stay back.”

“But it is okay. You can go if you want. I am happy to be with Real world.;

Wont you all ever go?” I asked.

“We will surely go the next time you come to see off somebody.” They replied.

“Okay, fine ; ” I said thinking of the boy who wanted to kill the turtle to host a funeral party.

My dreams  moved  and gave me space.

Real world who has walked along with me slowly  blurred ….

“Objects in the mirror are farther than they appear.”

World appear as a never ending railway line , moving on fast in the opposite direction.

The rear view mirror will eventually put forth its hands and grab me inside like a giant black hole.

Yes, the show must go on.

I can see long chains of unknown alphabets and words dancing inside the darkness of my head .

I can feel little people marching over the sulci and gyri of my brain.

I can hear Trumpets and drums. I can hear thousands of waves roaring.

Is this what people call insanity!

And the dreams slowly took me in . We  moved on…

Reaching home I  opened the doors to the loneliness of my house and all of them silently followed .

‘Thanks, For you I am not alone anywhere.’  My mind whispered.  ‘Stay with me forever. Don’t ever go. I don’t want clear vision.’

A note: As both my parents were working I got lots and lots of lonely time as a kid. Saturdays were always deep, dark hollows when my sister and I were forced to spend our day off at day cares, neighbors’ or whichever place my mother thought were safe for us. Sometimes our maid took us to her house or even to houses where she went to work.

The best thing we could do then was to sit quiet as if almost invisible without interfering with the hosts’ routines.

But those Saturdays taught me how to  dream. They became my ‘Days for dreams’. One day I read the story of a Princess and her mango orchard. The  orchard  was gifted to that lonely girl by her father . It followed her everywhere she went. Without me ever knowing my dreams became my orchard . I climbed on the trees and sat on the branches. When I was hungry I ate the mangoes .Quenched my thirst from the stream that flowed in it.

Wonder what I dream about? Almost anything. This world is so beautiful.  I hear conversations, see people, see words. It is a world which only I  can see. When somebody call me I fold my orchard neatly and set aside.

My dreams follow  me everywhere like my shadow. Whether it is  good or bad ,  I dont know. I have learned to live with them.

MY HEARTBEATS FOR YOU

“Your love is the song in my heart, the sunshine in my sky,

The promise of my world and the center of my Universe.”

One of the  first few words my fiance’  spoke to me was that I should be independent as an individual and should never lose my individuality.

Then I was in  college.Life was full of fun and friends.Marriage was just a word which meant a gathering, new dresses, a new friend and complete commitment.I wondered what this man would want me to do.

But today,after all these years of being together with him I realize the strength and beauty of those words.He helped me with my first steps as an individual. He taught me how to stand straight with my head high and how to tackle  my ‘switch on’ tears. Consoled me when I had nightmares.He gave me a new pair of eyes to see this world. Gave me wings of  freedom to explore myself.

More than anything he always  believed  in my skills .

At this moment standing at the threshold of tenth year of togetherness I borrow the very first words I had written to him.

“For a bonding that will last forever and will be forever new.”


MOTHERHOOD

Tomorrow , my daughter  will also start going to school, along with her brother.

Today I let her sleep as long as she wanted because from tomorrow onwards she is also going to be considered as  an individual  like anybody else!

Years of home works, projects,responsibilities, discipline…….

I am at the same time excited and tensed.I could only remember how small and cute she was when we held her first. Four years passed like four days and here she is ………Gathering her things for tomorrow’s school!

It feels like letting off a small fish to a pond . So much to explore, so much to achieve…! A moment to relinquish.

Go on….. Prosper….Our blessings and prayers are with you!

I think motherhood is the most beautiful thing that can happen to anybody’s life!

Enjoy it when the kids are with you . Give them your love and care without any constraints…!

Nowadays, Children can afford to live with their parents only till they pass plus two. After that they will have to join the rat race for professional courses, ……..then comes marriage ….and off they go in search of their own destiny.

How much I miss being my father’s daughter. Sometimes I even envy my kids when I see my parents’ love towards them. But then I realize they are showing their love towards their children.

It is nice to be a mother. It is even nicer to be a daughter.

But then,

Life is like that……..!